i hate london. mom's tumor is back. my new house is haunted and dirty. (not from lack of cleaning for a month but tthe owners are nasty.) i have a record player and old records, can't find the speakers for it, as soon as i do though patsy cline's greatest hits, here i come. i found 'the most beautiful woman in town and other stories by charles bukowski' and i don't have time to read. i dropped my t.v. on my legs and now they're bruised black. my big sister is on drugs and snorting pills off my books and i'm starting to hate her. shane doesn't call me anymore. i'm lonely. all i want to do is go HOME and read. i'm emo, sup? that's about it.

"THIS IS THE BLOODIEST MESS I'VE EVER SEEN." she awoke in the night with a scream.
rise up, rise up. oh, what a dream.
for fear. for fear, i'll get down on my knees.
i love you, child. i made you in the image of me.
i'll do it what's right if it gives you glee.
you do it for the sex, for the greed.
everywhere i look around it's Him i see.
you're alive, living comes with a fee.
have faith as i do.
if He does not exist why does this make me happier than you?

what's in a sunrise,
what's makes a smile?
what's in a sunset,
what makes you vile?
i called you a person.
i called it love.
it only gets worse and
i'm breaking.
i called you mine.
you knew it was wrong.
why let me lie?
you were so miserly,
i can't believe i fell.
what makes you any different than me?

tell me i'm beautiful.
make me feel real.
we can pretend?
i guess i've never been that good at games.
i lose.
you were all i ever wanted.
ha, yeah. i lose.
doesn't matter anymore, does it?
i never mattered.
"what would you do if you woke up tomorrow and you were married to me?"
"i'd be the happiest man alive."
i guess i'm just gullible.
you can pretend.
tell me i'm real.
make me feel beautiful?

i've lost 3 close friends in the past day, and i can't say i care.
emily sent chris nudes, she has a boyfriend, chris didn't tell her boyfriend so i threw a fit.
let me explain, a little over a year ago i liked a guy chris didn't get along with, we dated a little while, we were kissing one night and he says "i can't do this, i have a girlfriend." i had no fucking clue. i tell chris because we see her one night while renting movies and i felt like complete shit, and he goes off on me for not telling this girl i don't know, and so he tells her.
the guy asked me to lie and i wouldn't when she asked me, i'm not a fucking liar. anyways, i lost that guy as a friend and he was a great friend because of chris, at the time i thought he was doing it to be morally correct, this proves to me i was wrong. i went through hell for him to get back at this guy, so he sends me this message because i get mad;



"how am I supposed to tell someone I don't even know?????
how the fuck does this fall on me, I've done nothing, if someone talks to me I talk to them don't even fucking try to pin this on me, in no way can you blame me for others faults
fuck off you have no idea what the fuck even happened
you're being a more worthless let down than deanna right now"


i'm a worthless letdown, yes.
my reply;



"FUCK YOU, YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKING HYPOCRITE.
I DIDN'T FUCKING KNOW DANIELLE OR THAT SHE EVEN EXISTED AND YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE COMPLETE SHIT.
YOU'RE THE FUCKING WORTHLESS LETDOWN CHRIS, DON'T YOU DARE FUCKING PIN THIS ON ME.
YOU COULD HAVE FUCKING TOLD THE GUY, RIGHT?
YOU COULD HAVE ADDED HIM AND TOLD HIM, BUT NO.
WHEN THIS SHIT HAPPENS TO YOU IT'S FUCKING FINE BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING GOD, RIGHT?
you make me sick sometimes i fucking swear.
why the fuck couldn't you have told the guy, please, explain?
oh but see, it's worse.
you didn't tell me in trust and you're not gonna get fucking death threats for not "doing the right thing."
selfish prick, i would choose deanna over you any fucking day, i don't have to walk on fucking eggshells to not say the wrong thing to her, and you know what?
no, i'm not shady towards you but i am a girl and i'm a fucking bitch sometimes but at least i didn't go telling jason to get back at emily.
i swear to fucking God, i'm about to disappear.
i don't need friends like you, i really don't."




i lost him, emily, and ilea because she's stuck on his dick.
i don't even fucking care anymore.

i got to see my new house for the first time ever today.
it's HUGE, but like, i swear it's like the previous owners trashed the place and just...left.
there are clothes, toys, pictures, old notebooks, old t.v.s and on and on still there that we have to clean up.
they left food in the fridge and i didn't know and made the mistake of opening it, the smell was soooo nasty and then there were maggots everywhere...
anyways, we can't move in until it's cleaned and then we have to give most of it to thrift shops, (unless we want it)
i alays love my room though, it's the purple room.
so weird.

when i was 12 i rode the bus with a mentally ill boy named 'allen' who was about 16. he looked something like a young, redneck version or 'pettigrew' from harry potter, or the actor that played him at least. everyone was always so mean to him unless he had something they wanted, candy or beef jerky...he always had beef jerky in a can. he used to give it out to people and when they were nice to him his chest would be all swollen, like he was proud, like he was "normal." i never could bring myself to take any of his beef jerky, it just didn't seem right. the boy was too sweet for his own good. my best friend at the time, michelle, was as mean as a rattle snake. she always made fun of him when he was out of earshot, always. she would also be the first in line for his beef jerky. one day i refused a piece of gum he tried to give me, he had a sad look on his face but i smiled at him as hard as i could until it went away. he smiled back and it made me feel like an okay person. can you even be a person at 12 years old? who knows? anyways, michelle, with a wad of gum in her mouth looked at me with the meanest look in her dark brown eyes and says, "God, jazzmaun, why are you so mean?" and proceeded to act as if i had the plague because i refused to take advantage of a boy that felt as if he needed something to give out to fit in. i think that was part of the beginning of me losing my faith in the human race, really, but look where i am. i wonder where he is. last i heard michelle had dropped out of school when we were 16 and has 2 kids. hm.

i just realized i have never had my heart broken before in my life, not by someone i wasn't related to.
i have 5 big sisters, my oldest is married to a man that abuses her.
he kicks her, punches her, beats her with anything he can, he raped her when he found out she was pregnant.
he constantly talks down to her and tells her friends he wants to "fuck their brains out."
she leaves and comes back all the time, of course.
well, the other day he held a gun to her face and then left her.
she finally came home to stay (so she says.)
and i came into my room, found her balling her eyes out, listening to sad music and rocking back and forth.
she told me what happened and it made me break down, considering one of my first memories ever was my father holding a gun to my mom's face telling us to say goodbye...
that's when i realized i've never been that hurt in my life, never.
nothing any silly boy has ever done to me will ever amount to anything my mom and sister's have gone through.
i feel like shit.

family's moving back to london.
cool.